Do you have a fear of intimacy?

Nothing compares to falling in love. They make your heart skip a beat. They bring meaning, inspiration and sunshine into your life. You cannot imagine a life without them.

Yet at the same time our instincts urge us to to flee. Whether we act on this feeling or not, we are subconsciously pushing our partners away when perhaps its the last thing we truly want to do.

Why is falling in love so confusing and hard for some?

Two steps forward one step back...

Many of us enter into a relationship with much trepidation. Especially those with a string of failed and painful relationships behind them. We long to be in a happy relationship, to be intimate with someone, to be deeply connected and yet we subconsciously or deliberately sabotage it time after time.  

What are the classic signs of a fear of intimacy?

Avoidance

The person may choose to limit interaction with others. They may be unwilling to reveal too much information about themselves to avoid being judged or potentially rejected. They can also be overly interested in other people in a way to bypass any attention on themselves. People who are overly busy may use their lifestyle as an excuse to being single.

Impossible standards

The person may have impossibly high standards / expectations of themselves or others. They may be overly critical and use excuses for not being in a relationship or loving their partner.

Unrequited love

People who fear intimacy may develop strong feelings for those who are emotionally unavailable or unattainable. This is due to the low demand of personal investment from themselves, thereby avoiding rejection. They would prefer to love from afar than be in situation where they'll feel scrutinized / vulnerable and most likely be rejected.

Short term / Long distance relationships

Those who fear intimacy may favour short term or casual relationships. They feel safer when there is a certain amount of distance from their flame. However it only takes a matter of time before the victim dumps their love interest in search of another. Again, these people do not want to invest too much time with any one person because such investment requires more from them than they are prepared to offer. Revealing more about themselves makes them feel out of control.

Hot and cold

If the sufferer is able to be in a committed relationship this may be wrought with immense spells of them running hot and cold. This often causes a lot of confusion and frustration for the poor partner. It is also very hard for the sufferer too. Too much intimacy can cause sudden alarm bells to ring in their head and before you know it they are giving you the cold shoulder, withholding affection, being mean and distant or avoiding you completely. It's almost as though they are possessed during such phases and the more you try to love or chase them the faster and farther they flee from you. They are conscious of what they're doing yet cannot seem to control it. However they are often tormented themselves and feel ashamed of the pain they are causing to others. The hot and cold act is a means for them to monitor and control the flow of intimacy. 

Where does it all stem from?

Quite simply, past trauma. At some point in their lives (most likely way in the past such as childhood) they had their fingers burnt. They may not even recall the actual event(s) but the emotional impact was so significant that the sufferer is wired to associate intimacy with pain. They may have felt a deep sense of abandoned, rejection, being ignored, criticised or unloved when they were emotionally vulnerable. 

Fearing intimacy also represents a feeling of being unworthy of love. Therefore whenever a person provides love to them when they least expect it, they will mistrust it and will probably reject you. Such victims were taught to work hard for love and will reject it whenever they feel they are undeserving.

What can be done?

Firstly, there needs to be an awareness of the problem. The sufferer needs to consciously become aware of when they are acting defensively and what triggers them. They say that time heals all wounds however merely burying your head in the sand indefinitely, is not going to magic your problems away. Time makes us forget certain things but it isn't a complete cure all. It's what you do with the time that counts. 

If it's you who fears intimacy and you wish to be in a relationship, I would encourage taking some time out to deal with the problem. The decision to remain in your relationship, have a temporary break, etc is yours. However, it's best to be honest with your partner about your feelings and circumstances. Try not to leave them in the dark. Be considerate and kind. Exploring your past emotional wounds will be key into letting go and overriding any anti -intimacy knee jerk reactions. It would be beneficial to understand where your triggers stem from; certain behaviours of your guardians as well as their coping mechanisms. All together these can bring tremendous clarity and self awareness. You'll be able to pin point where it all came from, why it causes you to act a particular way and therefore be able to consciously choose to do things differently. You will be free from your past.

It will take time and some heavy lifting on your part to overcome this emotional restriction. Yet with determination, the right tools and patience you can achieve more emotional freedom and empowerment that you'd ever imagined.

If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

 

Can you save your relationship?

Are you tired of giving and not getting? Feeling shortchanged in a relationship? Feeling frustrated, confounded or simply unhappy? 

But is your partner really the problem?... Could it be you?

Before we point the finger at our partners, perhaps we should remain humble and see how we may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. That is not to say that you should blame yourself, rather try to see yourself as your partner would. We are often quick to blame our partner or blame ourselves when unhappy. However blaming does more harm than help and doesn't solve anything. If you genuinely want to rescue your relationship then you can begin by stopping to blame yourself or others.

 That's right, no one is to blame. 

So, what else do I need to do?

It really depends on how much you desire change. If you truly want a loving relationship then a great place to start is by focusing on the relationship you have with yourself. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. Let's be honest, if you had an amazing relationship with yourself then you wouldn't need or want anyone else to love you. 

Ask yourself how you feel towards your partner? Are you angry, resentful or sad? Try to get in touch with these emotions and keep asking yourself why you have these feelings. Is it because we have an expectation from them? A sense of them owing something to us? Or perhaps you didn't put boundaries in place? Taking a step back to understand why you're attracting or remaining in an unhappy relationship tells you a lot about your sense of self value. Ask yourself the real reasons for being in the relationship? Is it for the right reasons? For example, would you still love your partner if they had no money or were no longer attractive?

It takes two to tango, two to make a relationship and only one to break it. If you've reached a cross roads in the relationship then something needs to change. When one asks "can I save my relationship?", perhaps they should ask if they can save themselves first. A loving relationship doesn't center around the fulfillment of each others' "needs" (that's simply co-dependency). Needing love from anyone is a clear sign that you have an emotional blockage. When we find ourselves needing love from our partners it's really because we are somewhat reluctant to love ourselves. So what's stepping in the way of your own self love?

Sophie x 

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7 Signs that you've met your soulmate

There is a belief that the soul was split into two, that we as individuals incarnate as half of a soul on this earth. Our mission should we choose it is to find that other half of ourselves.With 7 billion people on the planet, finding your soulmate is like finding a needle in the mothership of all haystacks! If you have a feeling someone is your soulmate most likely they are. However for those who are unsure (as I once was), here are some good indicators;

1. You have eerily similar personality traits (makes sense if this other person is supposed to be the other half of your soul). The complete soul has a unique identity therefore both soulmates (or twin flames) will possess this underlying blueprint. 
2. You share the same likes/dislikes. It was no surprise that both me and my soulmate don't watch television, have short attention spans, like the same foods, have the same zaney sense of humour, enjoy lounging at home for days on end and have a penchant for all things luxurious.
3. You can read each others mind! Not kidding. People often regard me as "hard to read". This wasn't the case for my soulmate. We both discovered that we had psychic powers and were able to verbalise random thoughts circling in each other's heads! Spooky!
4. They know everything about you and it doesn't put them off. Try hiding things from someone with laser vision. That's what it's like to be with a soulmate. You feel mentally and emotionally naked around them.
5. You never feel "lonely" in their company. You feel completely at home with them.
6. The relationship progresses at warp speed. Soulmate connections are intense, dramatic, confusing and life altering. It's a non stop roller coaster of ups and downs. The connection will be so intense that you will vacillate between declaring undying love to wishing you'd never clapped eyes on them.
7. They challenge you to become a better person. Be prepared to see the worst sides of yourself being projected at you. If you haven't fully dealt with your emotional baggage you're in for a real shock! Your soulmate may be your very best friend but they also know which buttons to push. On the upside, your soulmate can shed light on your blind spots, bad habits and fears (which can be refreshing and annoying at the same time).

Contrary to belief, soulmates are not often immediately attracted to each other! Quite the opposite. I found myself having a strong dislike for my soulmate (and vice versa) until we got to know each other better. Soulmate connections are not for the faint hearted, they will test you and elude you. However if both sides are prepared to put in the work, it can become the most satisfying and loving relationship of your life.

Sophie x

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How to get over your ex

How many of us have tried moving on from an ex but only to find ourselves obsessing over them? We dread to think if they've forgotten about us already and moved onto something better. We stalk their facebook page, play sad music, get lost in thoughts of memories you once shared. We hope and pray that they are thinking of us and missing us too. And yet even if we try our best to move on, date other people, conquer the world, lingering thoughts of them still bubble up. Frustrating!

Why is it so hard to get over an ex? The truth is part of you doesn't want to get over them. Your precious time, energy and heart was invested in that person and it takes time and much effort to undo all of those pent up emotions, hopes and dreams. Breaking up is similar to the death of a beloved. To really get over an ex you have to accept that it is over. That means truly believing that you will never have that person in your life as a romantic partner ever again. When we let ourselves experience the actual grief of losing someone we love we can begin to free ourselves.

Love is an emotional thing. It's not logical so there's little point trying to convince yourself how you should FEEL. It is acceptable and normal to have feelings of anger, hurt, fear, pain and depression after a break up. In my 30's I have found that it doesn't get any easier but it's a necessary process in order to free our hearts and souls for someone new.

One of the most controversial pieces of advice I'd received in speeding up the recovery process is to FORCE yourself to think about that person all the time! It actually worked, by the end of the day I was so exhausted and sick of thinking of them that I was actually excited to be working away at my desk. It's like I purged him from my system and this freed up capacity for other interesting things. 

So if you're feeling down about a break up - it's ok to cry! Put down that tub of Ben and Jerrys and hide under the duvet instead. Allow your mind, body and soul to feel the hurt; write about it, sing about it, do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. By allowing yourself to fully experience all the emotions tied to the past, you will no longer be living in the past. Be kind. If you feel like you're missing them, allow yourself to miss them. If you feel like being angry, find a good outlet for the anger. Emotions are made to be expressed, not repressed. Better out than in. Don't concern yourself with what your ex is thinking /doing. This is your moment to be selfish and take good care of yourself. Hold yourself as you grieve. Let yourself have more sleep. Allow the full scale of emotions to flow through you. Release them and offer them up the universe through dance, song, poetry, art,.... or even cleaning! Channel that pain and anguish and transform it into something beautiful.

Don't look to defer the hurt and frustration. Choose to deal with it now. With the right approach, time and support you'll find your feet again and will be able to stand, even stronger.

Personally I feel great after a good cry. Who else feels the same?

If you wish to explore this private matter further, feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.

Sophie x

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Trust issues in relationships

We've all been there at some point in our lives. They say trust takes time to build but mere moments to destroy. I was broken hearted when I found clear evidence of a lover's betrayal - on our second year anniversary. I felt dazed, angry and sick to my stomach. It was as though he stabbed me right in the heart.

How could he do this to me? What have I done to deserve this?

I kept on asking, begging and pleading for answers but I received none. I blamed him. And when I couldn't bear being disappointment or angry anymore, I ended up blaming myself. Fast forward some years later and BAM, there I was again being cheated on. Little did I understand how much power my thoughts and feelings were carrying. I had attracted these horrifying moments in my life! It was a hard pill to swallow, especially as an enthusiast of "positive thinking". Why did bad things keep happening to me?

How? I was in denial. Positive thinking is just that, positive THINKING. It is not the same as positive feeling. The mind may be fooled but the body seldom lies. Deep inside I held a belief of unworthiness. Deep inside I felt unlovable. Deep inside I trusted no one. How on earth did I acquire such awful beliefs? I look back on my childhood and suddenly it all made sense. These beliefs I carried were from emotional injuries long ago. 

As infants we were born to love unconditionally. However in this world we've all endured some degree of emotional trauma. We learned that love was conditional, based on us behaving in a certain way. And when we didn't conform, we were punished. We have been incorrectly programed to believe that love needs to be earned, deserved.

I trusted my parents, my guardians with my heart and they disappointed me. Such emotional scars run deep and naturally, every time we open our heart to someone, these feelings and fears will be triggered. I do not blame my parents for what they did, for they too are products of emotional injuries. I learned that it is important to take ownership of our feelings - not to apportion the blame. We cannot blame others for hurting us and neither should we blame ourselves. The law of attraction is merely presenting a mirror of what's really within you. It is not there to punish you but to serve as a reminder of some feelings and beliefs trapped inside you. 

With sincere emotional clearing you will find that your law of attraction will change and quickly. You will no longer be a magnet for partners or events that make you mistrust. Your existing partner may even change his/her ways miraculously overnight just by you doing this clearing alone!

So have faith, you are not cursed or doomed to be in unloving relationships. Honour your feelings. Experience them and then release them.

If you wish to explore this personal matter further, please see me for a friendly personal consultation.

Wishing you love and happiness,

Sophie x

Click here to access my website for more 

The harsh reality of Soulmate connections

I blame Disney for filling my head with unrealistic hopes. I expected my soulmate to sweep me off my feet. I expected a knight in shinning armour, to fall in love at first sight and to live happily ever after. My first encounter with my soulmate was one of the most disturbing experiences in my long history of dating. He was mean, aggressive and exceptionally arrogant. A huge pity considering how handsome and well dressed he was. After 2 hours of mutual interrogation over 1 1/2 cocktails we were itching to part ways. Before I could make a run for the nearest exit, he pulled me in for a long and hard kiss. I was bubbling with fury inside. And yet I was so inexplicably drawn to this gorgeous and sweet smelling creature. And so we kissed. Time ceased to exist. Surrounding noise drowned out by the blood now swirling in my head. I broke free for air, muttered "see you later" and ran for my tube. Confused by the whole experience I swore to myself that I would never see that man again.

The next day I received an invitation to join him and some friends for dinner. I accepted with the twisted view that this was potentially a golden opportunity. I had the expectation that he would have handsome (and more charming) friends. It was a rather devious move on my part. However I was decidedly annoyed by his unsavoury comments towards me from the previous evening. Ergo my reluctance to have another round of tonsil tennis. As fate would have it, his friends bailed on him and it was to be another one on one date. Being far too polite to follow suit, I went ahead whilst promising myself that that would be the last time I'd have to deal with him.

That evening I saw a more mellow and easy going man. More conversational and less confrontational, it was easier to actually like him. Inevitably we found ourselves kissing again and I kidded myself on that it was to be the very last kiss.

So far we're just a few days shy of our one year anniversary. It took us months to recognise that we were indeed soulmates and yet we still resist this connection to a degree. I was always skeptical of so called "soulmate" connections until I met him. He was nowhere near as spiritual and yet he was telepathic. We shared childhood experiences and traumas, similar health struggles, immediate sexual compatibility and near identical hang ups. We were synchronised. We deeply understood each other. Both were free spirits but capable of spending 24 hours, 7 days a week in each other's company. I can feel his emotions, almost hear his every thoughts, inner struggles and doubts. We've both rejected each other many times over and yet cannot bear to end the relationship with equal intensity. So many conflicting emotions. Wanting to run away from him only realising that I am merely trying to run away from myself.

Soulmates are the other half of your soul. In other words, they are a part of you, a mirror image of yourself. Blissful love cannot flow through each of you until you have both resolved your own issues. And so the work on myself continues.

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My story: Hated from birth and my journey to enlightenment

Hello world,

Welcome to my blog. I decided to create this page to reach lovely people who are secretly struggling with life. Life is hard and it can truly suck at times. I'm no Debbie downer but I can get real. I've practiced the Secret and whilst I saw some modest gains, I noticed some pot holes in the whole ideology. I've tried the whole "fake it until you make it" and frankly felt nothing but like a dirty fraud inside. How stressful it is for society to EXPECT us to be happy and perfect all the time. People ask me how I am and I still feel pressured to lie. How could I pretend that everything was ok when I was feeling depressed and anxious inside? Little did I know that my true feelings would become my greatest gift.

I've finally made peace with the fact that my life was terrible pretty much from the start and it's time to share my story.

My childhood was far from picture perfect. I am told that I was born late, heavy and difficult. I was an unwanted child and by the time my mother discovered she was pregnant it was too late for an abortion. She desperately wanted a son and I felt hated for being a girl. My upbringing was full of sickness, eating disorders, violence, abuse, abandonment, fear and depression. Often times the pain of her rejection led me to suicide attempts. I felt isolated and as if a dark cloud haunted me everywhere. I shied away from people because I seriously believed I was cursed. When I finally reached the end of my rope, I fled to London with little more than £600 to my name and no job. At 21, I followed my instincts, pushed through the fear and trusted that I had the power to transform my life.

9 years have since past and whilst I've made many mistakes (and deviated from my path) I gradually saw my deepest wishes unfold. I have now discovered that there is more to life than getting the dream job or perfect life companion, it's about having an honest and loving relationship with yourself. 

Despite everything, you hold the key to your own destiny. And I would be honoured to help you on your journey.

Much love,

Sophie x

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